So, what’s life going to be like without sports? How can TSN and Sportnet fill all that air time with the playground shut down due to coronavirus?
Not to worry kids.
Both our national sports networks have clever, innovative programmers, plus expansive libraries full of film featuring vintage, classic events that can be aired 24/7. And, hey, some of it might even include teams from outside the Republic of Tranna.
Just don’t count on it.
As a matter of fact, we’ve already had a sneak peek at what the Tranna-centric TSN and Sportsnet have planned while the coronavirus has all sports shut down. Here’s the menu:
Midnight: Replay (black and white) of 1967 Stanley Cup final, Maple Leafs vs. Montreal Canadiens.
3 a.m.: Interviews with every member of the Leafs who isn’t dead.
4 a.m.: James Duthie and the panel gather ’round a Ouija board and interview every member of the Leafs who is dead (black and white).
5 a.m.: Replay of Maple Leafs ’67 victory parade (black and white).
6 a.m.: Special edition of The Reporters, where Dave Hodge, Michael Farber and Steve Simmons pretend they remember ’67.
7 a.m.: Replay of Auston Matthews’ first NHL game.
10 a.m.: Interview with Auston Matthews about his first NHL game.
11 a.m.: James Duthie and the panel break down each of Auston Matthews’ four goals in his first NHL game. (Jeff O’Dog gets bored and hungry and leaves the studio after the third goal.)
Noon: Leafs Lunch with Jeff O’Dog, Andi Petrillo and Noodles McLennan. O’Dog is still bored and hungry, so he rejoins James Duthie and the panel to talk more about Auston Matthews.
1 p.m.: Replay of 1991 Grey Cup game, Tranna Argos vs. Calgary Stampeders.
4 p.m.: Interview with Rocket Ismail about the beer can one fan tossed at him on his TD run in the ’91 Grey Cup game.
5 p.m.: Special CFL on TSN feature hosted by Rod Smith, who goes in-depth with the only six people in The ROT who still attend Argonauts games.
6 p.m.: Sports Centre; Rod Smith spends an hour to confirm there are no games scheduled.
7 p.m.: Glen Suitor Unplugged—Why I Left My Day Job to Become a Roadie for My Man Crush, Keith Urban.
8 p.m.: Celebrity Hot Stove special, featuring Drake, Spike Lee and Jack Nicholson in conversation with celebrity host Dr. Phil, who moderates a discussion that asks the question: What makes a grown man make a complete ass clown of himself at a sports event?
9 p.m.: Maple Leafs Poker After Dark.
10 p.m.: Maple Leafs 8-Ball After Dark.
11 p.m.: Maple Leafs Darts After Dark.
Midnight: Repeat loop.
Midnight: Replay of Game 7, Tranna Jurassics vs. Philly 76ers.
3 a.m.: Interview with Kawhi Leonard about The Shot.
4 a.m.: Interview with Drake about The Shot.
5 a.m.: Drake interviews Leonard about The Shot.
6 a.m.: Replay of Game 6, Tranna Jurassics vs. Golden State Warriors.
9 a.m.: Interview with Drake about winning NBA championship.
10 a.m.: Replay of Tranna Jurassics victory parde.
Noon: Highlights of Drake’s courtside antics.
1 p.m.: Drake explains his courtside antics.
2 p.m.: Replay of Game 6 of 1993 World Series, Blue Jays vs. Philly Phillies.
3 p.m.: Feature on Joe Carter called “Touch ‘Em All, Joe.”
4 p.m.: Interview with Joe Carter, who confirms he touched ’em all.
5 p.m.: A ‘Where Were You When?’ special featuring various celebrities from the Republic of Tranna, who recall where they were when Joe Carter touched ’em all.
6 p.m.: Sports Central with Carly Agro and Eric Thomas, who spend an hour to confirm there are no games scheduled.
7 p.m.: Replay of 1992 World Series, Blue Jays vs. Atlanta Braves.
10 p.m.: Interview with Drake, who explains why he isn’t a Blue Jays groupie.
11 p.m.: Panel discussion among Sportsnet anchors who discuss why they talk about Drake so much.
Midnight: Repeat loop.