Today, kids, we offer a crash course in Gossip 101 as it relates to the Winnipeg Jets and the many (unfounded) rumors swirling around the National Hockey League outfit.
We call this lesson Friend Of A Friend Of A Friend Syndrome, subtitle Anatomy of a Rumor.
You are about to learn how gossip is born, how it grows legs, and what the media does with it. Before we start, though, please open your copies of the Winnipeg Free Press sports section and pay close attention to articles about the Jets’ “rotten to the core” and “fractured” dressing room. Also see a piece written by two old men in grumpy pants, one of whom is a retired journalist and now the paid pen pal of the other. (Quick aside: Neither man was seen in the vicinity of the Winnipeg HC boudoir during the recently concluded NHL crusade, but one of them has “asked around” about the Jets and confirms that—egads!— “eye-rolling” has been observed.)
Note that there is an absence of verified anecdotal evidence in each article, but there is an abundance of innuendo that has ignited rampant speculation of fist fights, bruised egos, galloping jealousy, special treatment for teacher’s pet, and parlor games with the wrong girl.
Many of you have asked how such rumors get started, and that’s why we’re here today. Okay, class, let’s begin Friend Of A Friend Of A Friend Syndrome, Anatomy of a Rumor…
“Hey, have you heard the latest on the Winnipeg Jets? They’re fighting in the locker room.”
“Where’d you hear that?”
“My neighbor’s kid. He delivers the newspaper to a friend down the street.”
“And?”
“Well, that friend down the street has a friend whose kid serves as an altar boy for the parish priest.”
“And?”
“Well, the parish priest heard confession from a guy whose friend is my third cousin by marriage to a cop.”
“And?”
“Well, that’s the same cop who gave Evander Kane a traffic ticket four years ago.”
“And?”
“Well, a passerby heard Kane being rude to the cop, and he mentioned it to a friend whose barber now cuts Mark Scheifele’s hair.”
“And?”
“Well, the last time Scheifele sat in that barber’s chair, the barber said he’d really like to get his scissors and clippers on Mathieu Perreault’s unruly hair and scruffy beard.”
“And?”
“Well, company man Scheifele agreed with the barber. He said Perreault is a total slob and an embarrassment to squeaky clean True North Sports & Entertainment. Worst of all, Scheifele said Perreault looks like a terrorist, and the players are always delayed by airport security because of his appearance.”
“And?”
“Well, don’t you see? Scheifele and Perreault are feuding. They hate each other.”
“Are those the ruffled feathers that head coach Paul Maurice was talking about last week?”
“Well, of course they are. Most people think it’s about Adam Lowry and Patrik Laine chucking knuckles, or push coming to shove between Big Buff and Blake Wheeler, or someone dating someone’s ex. But it’s none of the above. It’s all about Perreault’s scruffy appearance. Scheifele ordered him to get a shave and a haircut, but Perreault refused. Their dispute created a fracture right down the middle of the dressing room—chin whiskers on one side, freshly scrubbed faces on the other.”
“The Jets came undone because of hair? I find that hard to believe.”
“Weren’t you listening to me, man? I got the scoop from the neighbor’s kid whose dad has a friend who knows the altar boy who knows the parish priest who knows the cousin who knows the cop who knows the barber.”
“What are you gonna do with your scoop?”
“Well, I’m gonna talk to my neighbor’s kid whose dad has a friend who knows the altar boy who knows the parish priest who knows the cousin who knows the cop who knows the barber. Maybe that kid has an aunt or uncle who knows someone on the Free Press loading dock who knows someone in the circulation department who knows someone in advertising who knows someone in the newsroom who knows someone in the sports department who’s been asking around.”
“No legitimate journalist is going to listen to that cockamamie story about a friend of a friend of a friend and run with it.”
“Are you kidding me? This is gold. They won’t name names. They’ll just cite ‘multiple sources’ and leave it for the rabble to guess why the dressing room is rotten to the core.”
“Nope. They’ll laugh at you and roll their eyes.”
“Well, even if they do, I have a backup story for them.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, you know the traffic cop who ticketed Evander Kane? He told the barber who told the cousin who told the friend who told the parish priest who told the altar boy who told the friend who told the neighbor’s kid who told his dad that Kane still hasn’t paid the fine. Evander Kane screwing up is still worth a 72-point headline in the Freep every day of the week.”
Class dismissed.
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