Hens in the Hockey House: A deep dive into the Winnipeg Jets

Two weeks in front of the National Hockey League trade deadline seems like an appropriate time to take inventory of the Winnipeg Jets, and who better to do that than our two all-seeing, all-knowing Hens in the Hockey House?

Take it away, ladies…

Question Lady: My goodness, how long has it been since we last got together to muse on the Jets? A month? Two?

Answer Lady: Try October, girlfriend. It was before they dropped the puck. You know, back when everyone in Good Ol’ Hometown still thought Patrik Laine was god’s gift to the one-timer.

Question Lady: Was it really that long ago? My, oh my. So where should we begin this chit-chat? With Laine?

Puck Finn

Answer Lady: That’s as good a place as any. That seems to be what most of the rabble is talking about. They’re calling out Puck Finn for everything from the Jets’ wonky powerplay to the recent shoot-’em-up at Johnny G’s. He’s certainly become their whipping boy, and he’s made me out to be quite the fool. I predicted he’d score 57 goals and win the Rocket Richard Trophy. Some rocket he’s turned out to be. More like a used Iraqi scud missile.

Question Lady: Have you given up on the kid? Think they should trade him?

Answer Lady: Trade him? Would CBS trade Tony Romo? Would Penn trade Teller? You don’t give up on a 40-goal scorer just because he’s hit a rough patch. And before you ask, girlfriend, no I wouldn’t send him to the farm or hand him a box of popcorn and tell him to find a perch in the press box. Let’s at least wait until the kid’s old enough to buy a beer in the U.S. before we toss him into the dumpster.

Question Lady: So you’re saying that Laine is an untouchable?

Donald Trump

Answer Lady: For now, yes. That could change. I mean, once the Edmonton Oilers told Wayne Gretzky to get out of Dodge there were no more sacred cows. Anyone can be traded. So let me just say this about that: I doubt Puck Finn will finish his career in Jets linen, but he isn’t going anywhere before the trade deadline on Feb. 25. Seriously, it’s ridiculous to use up valuable oxygen talking about it. What would you like to debate next? If Donald Trump should hire a new hair stylist?

Question Lady: Geez, a bit touchy this morning, aren’t we?

Answer Lady: Sorry, girlfriend, but it’s been snowing where I live and seeing the white stuff on palm trees has got me off my game. I’ve been holed up since last Thursday and don’t figure to step out of doors until the snow’s vamoosed. That could be another two days, and I’m already starting to get cabin fever. So mea culpa.

Paul Stastny

Question Lady: Not to worry. When we last talked in October, you suggested the Jets could use an upgrade at centre ice. Now everyone is talking about that very thing—when they aren’t moaning about Laine, that is. So do you see Kevin Cheveldayoff pulling another rabbit named Paul Stastny out of his fedora before the deadline?

Answer Lady: Rabbits? I hear all kinds of chatter about Chevy going big-game hunting. As if. Here’s how I think it’ll shake down: He’ll kick tires, he’ll look under the hood, he’ll check out and consider sticker prices, then he’ll pass. No deals. Look, just because the (quote) all-knowing (unquote) pundits believe the Jets need beefing up down the middle, it doesn’t necessarily follow that Chevy believes it. I’m convinced he’d be comfortable going into the Stanley Cup runoff with the group he’s gathered together. I really am. He’ll likely say that very thing post-deadline.

Chevy

Question Lady: That isn’t what you told me last October. As I recall, you said, “Chevy will do something at, or just before, the trade deadline. It’ll involve centres and defencemen.” And now you’re singing a different tune?

Answer Lady: Hey, I also said Connor Hellebuyck would win the Vezina Trophy and Rink Rat Scheifele would finish behind only Connor McDavid in the scoring derby. D’oh! D’oh! So sue me.

Question Lady: What makes you believe that Chevy doesn’t—or refuses to—recognize the wants and needs that others see?

Answer Lady: He’ll be fooled by all the smoke and mirrors. Think about it, girlfriend: Big Buff goes out and the club keeps winning. Twig Ehlers goes out and the club keeps winning. Hellebuyck soils the sheets for three months and the club keeps winning. Puck Finn goes drier than a popcorn fart and the club keeps winning. So Chevy has to be thinking everything will be tickety-boo once all the pieces are in their proper place. Hence, no need to tinker.

David Poile

Question Lady: But David Poile is already tinkering with the Nashville Predators, so doesn’t Chevy have to match his moves?

Answer Lady: Whatever. Poile has added Brian Boyle and Cody McLeod. That’s like Betty White adding another candle to her birthday cake. Do you really think the 97th candle makes the cake any better? Sure, Boyle is useful, but McLeod is a lunkhead. Talk to me if and when Poile adds Matt Duchene, Mark Stone or Artemi Panarin.

Question Lady: If you’re correct and Chevy does nothing, it begs the obvious question: Is this Jets outfit better than the team that was found lacking last spring?

Answer Lady: No, ma’am. That gang wasn’t good enough, this gang isn’t good enough. It’s one Paul Stastny, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, short of a load. Said that in October, repeating myself now.

Question Lady: So, Debbie Downer, you’re telling me this is another lost season?

Answer Lady: If my guess is right and Chevy twiddles his thumbs for the next two weeks, I’m afraid so. Nothing short of an appearance in the Stanley Cup final is acceptable.

Question Lady: That’s setting the bar awful high, don’t you think?

Answer Lady: I didn’t set the bar, girlfriend. The Jets did when they advanced to the Western Conference final last spring. It’s like Puck Finn. He’s had 36- and 44-goal seasons, so that’s what we expect from him. Maybe that’s not fair but, hey, if life was fair old friend Randy Carlyle would still have a job and Corey Perry wouldn’t. That really stinks.

Question Lady: Yup, sure is a bummer about Carlyle. Good man. At any rate, I’m guessing you have some snow to shovel, so I’ll let you go.

Answer Lady: Snow? Shovel? As if. I might dust the white stuff off the palm leaves next time I step out, but I’m afraid I surrendered my shovel 20 years ago when I put Good Ol’ Hometown in the rearview mirror. The only thing I shovel now is BS…100 per cent Canadian BS.

Question Lady: Okay, what say we do this again just before the playoffs?

Answer Lady: Well, I know I’ll be here because I’ve got a no-trade, no-movement clause, so it’s a date.

 

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