The top 10 “real reasons” why the National Hockey League has postponed the Heritage Classic game at Investors Group Field in Winnipeg:
10. NHL commish Gary Bettman drank Winnipeg tap water during meetings with Jets and Bombers, got nasty case of the runs, refused to negotiate with Jets governor Mark Chipman or Blue Bombers CEO Wade Miller from inside toilet stall.
9. Can’t find 40,000 people who will stop curling long enough to watch an outdoor hockey game.
8. Bombers refuse to change name of Ken Ploen Way to Teemu Trail, Ducky Drive or Jimmy Mann Motorway for the weekend.
7. Dancing Gabe doesn’t do outdoor hockey.
6. Bombers demand the Jets pay territorial penalty for Mick E. Moose invading Buzz and Boomer’s turf.
5. First official mosquito fogging of year in Fort Garry scheduled for same day.
6. Bombers refuse to replace statue of legendary coach Bud Grant with statue of Alpo Suhonen.
3. If held in March, entire city too busy sand-bagging for annual spring flooding.
2. Slurpees freeze at 30-below.
And the No. 1 reason why the Heritage Classic has been postponed: If the Bombers are involved, everybody knows it’s all Joe Mack’s fault.
Patti Dawn Swansson has been writing about Winnipeg sports for more than 40 years, longer than any living being. Do not, however, assume that to mean she harbors a wealth of sports knowledge or that she’s a jock journalist of award-winning loft. It simply means she is old and comfortable at a keyboard (although arthritic fingers sometimes make typing a bit of a chore) and she apparently doesn’t know when to quit. Or she can’t quit.
She is most proud of her Q Award, presented to her in 2012 for her scribblings about the LGBT community in Victoria, B.C., and her induction into the Manitoba Sportswriters & Sportscasters Association Media Roll of Honour.