The River City Renegade

Winnipeg Blue Bombers: Two Saskatchewan Roughriders fans walk into a bar and…

Leave a comment

So, I’m sitting in my local watering hole yesterday, engaged in casual, catch-up conversation with cab driver Mike, when in struts Doug. He is one of the Green People, and it’s the first time I’ve fixed eyes on him since his Saskatchewan Roughriders won the Grey Cup last November. Thus, I am in dread.

“Greetings from the city of champions,” is his opening gambit.

“City of champions?” I say. “You just get in town from Edmonton?”

“No, Regina.”

“Regina? How in the name of Ron Lancaster do you figure Regina is the city of champions?”

“We’re Grey Cup champs. We’ve won four Grey Cups now.”

“Ya, one for each of your teeth.”

Not surprisingly, Doug is attired in all Rider green, but there’s something different, something new. It was his top, a rather foofy looking thing. Kind of like something you’d see on a drag queen.

“That’s an interesting outfit you’re wearing, Doug,” I observe.

“Isn’t it great?” he replies with the hee-haw glow of a prairie bachelor boy heading out on a Sadie Hawkins Day date. “Bought it at the Regina airport on my way out of town. It’s one of the Riders new signature uniforms.”

“Is that so. Whose signature? Ru Paul’s? You look like a refugee from Drag Race.”

And so it went. The banter between Doug and myself always is a to-and-fro of cheap shots and silly insults, most notably as we approach the Day Before Labor Day Classic and the Banjo Bowl, the front and back ends of the annual home-and-home set between my Winnipeg Blue Bombers and his Greenies from Saskatchewan. Not that the rivalry requires additional juice, but interest is amplified this Canadian Football League season because the Big Blue and Gang Green enter the fray in a tug-o-war over third place in the West Division. Each outfit has six victories.

So, in a salute to this exercise in flatland football, I give you my annual salute to Green People…

What are five things you’ll never hear a Roughriders fan say?

1) I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

2) I thought Graceland was tacky.

3) Too many deer heads on the wall detract from the decor.

4) Trim the fat off that steak.

5) Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

***

Q: How do you keep a Roughriders fan busy?

A: Write ‘Please Turn Over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: What did the Roughriders fan say to his wife when she gave birth to twins?

A: Okay, cousin Mary, who’s the other father?

Q: What does a Roughriders fan with a job say to a Bombers fan?

A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Roughriders fan and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they all spot a $100 bill. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk. The other three are mythical creatures.

Q: What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Roughrider fans in one room?

A: A full set of teeth!

Q: How do you get a former Roughrider away from your front door?

A: Pay for the pizza.

***

  • Did you hear about the Riders fan who died during the fan club’s annual pie-eating contest? The cow kicked him in the head.
  • The only difference between Bigfoot and a knowledgeable Riders fan is that Bigfoot has been spotted.
  • The reason Roughriders fans smell so bad is so blind people can hate them, too.
  • Did you hear about the Roughrider terrorist who tried to blow up the Bombers’ team bus? He burned his lips on the tailpipe.
  • How can you tell if a Roughriders fan is a married man? There’s tobacco juice running down both doors of his pickup.
  • What are the vital statistics of Miss Saskatchewan Roughrider? 36-24-26…and the other leg is the same.
  • How do you get Miss Roughrider out of your dorm room? Grease her hips and push.
  • What do Roughrider fans use as birth control? Their personalities.
  • How many Roughrider fans does it take to eat an armadillo? Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.
  • How did the Roughrider fan die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
  • Why do Roughrider fans like smart women? Opposites attract.
  • What’s the definition of mass confusion? Father’s day in Regina.
  • Why do seagulls fly upside down over Regina? There’s nothing below worth crapping on.
  • Did you hear that the Premier’s home in Saskatchewan burned down? Almost took out the whole trailer park!
  • As I was walking home from work last week I noticed a Saskatchewan Roughriders season-ticket nailed to a tree. I thought to myself ‘I’m having that!’ ’cause you can never have enough nails, can you?
  • What do you do if Darian Durant throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
  • Do you know why the Roughriders are like Chinese food? Because you beat ‘em once and half an hour later you want to play ‘em again.
  • What do the Roughriders and the Pope have in common? They can both make 30,000 people stand up and scream, “Jesus Christ, man!”
  • What’s the difference between the Riders defensive backfield and a bikini? At least the bikini can cover something.
  • How many Roughrider jokes are there on this page? Only two. The rest are true stories.

rooftop riting biz card back sidePatti Dawn Swansson has been writing about Winnipeg sports for more than 40 years, longer than any living being. Do not, however, assume that to mean she harbors a wealth of sports knowledge or that she’s a jock journalist of award-winning loft. It simply means she is old, comfortable at a keyboard (although arthritic fingers sometimes make typing a bit of a chore) and she doesn’t know when to quit.
She is most proud of her Q Award, presented to her in 2012 for her scribblings about the LGBT community in Victoria, B.C.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s