Winnipeg Jets: Headlines and scandal ‘R’ Evander

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rooftop riting biz card back sideOh, woe is Evander Kane. The poor guy opens his mouth and another 72-point newspaper headline pops out.

Doesn’t matter if he’s in Vancouver, Las Vegas, Toronto, River City or at the barber shop, the Winnipeg Jets left winger attracts attention like Ondrej Pavelec gives up goals. Has it been fair? Has the mainstream media in Winnipeg given Kane a fair shake? Of course not! I mean, a haircut is news? Unpaid parking tickets is news? A selfie is news? Not reporting to training camp three days early is news?

And it’s about to get worse, folks!

My spies in the Winnipeg Free Press newsroom tell me the paper is working on the following scandalous stories about Kane and, as you shall see, the headlines have already been written…

  • Winnipeg drinking water still brown—Kane refuses to turn it into white wine!
  • Kane defies city bylaw…sings and dances on bus!
  • Hawerchuk praises Winnipeg; Kane still refuses to buy home in North End!
  • Kane visits Journey to Churchill display at zoo; complains because polar bears aren’t black!
  • Manitoba still Slurpee Capital of Canada; Kane’s never had one!
  • Chintzy Kane makes $6 million; only gives $4 million to charity!
  • Southern Manitoba on flood alert; Kane won’t help sand bagging efforts!
  • Mosquitos infest Winnipeg; why is Kane in Vancouver?
  • New evidence discovered: Kane responsible for Wagon Wheel and Kelekis restaurant closures (didn’t eat enough)!
  • Kane stops at Into the Music—tells clerk “the Guess Who and Neil Young suck!”
  • Kane scores 50th goal, still hasn’t found cure for cancer!
  • Kane has lunch at the Sals—says cheese nip is “worst burger ever!”

Meanwhile, at the tabloid Winnipeg Sun, shinny scribes are digging up dirt on Kane’s antics inside the Jets’ sanctuary at the Little Hockey House on the Prairie. My sources tell me they are about to blow the lid off a Kane coverup, whereby team officials are hiding the fact that Kane has been in serious and continual violation of certain club rules. The Sun will reveal these are his team-related infractions:

  • Kane wouldn’t stop when head coach Paul Maurice told him to quit making farting sounds with his arm pit during a team meeting.
  • Kane rolled his eyes and groaned, “Oh, no, not him again!” when Ondrej Pavelec was announced as the starting goaltender.
  • Kane refused to give an exclusive interview to the Official Newsletter of True North Sports & Entertainment, also known as the Winnipeg Free Press.
  • Kane parked in the spot reserved for Mark Chipman.
  • Kane insulted Dancing Gabe…said he dances like a white guy.
  • Kane replaced a picture of Claude Noel with one of Paul Maurice on the team dart board.
  • Kane stole Dustin Byfuglien’s lunch money.
  • Kane refused to shout “True North!” during the singing of O Canada.

(FOOTNOTE: I invite your comments. I do not, however, welcome some of your comments. If you believe what I’ve written is the natterings of a nincompoop and belongs at the bottom of a bird cage, let ‘er rip. Tell me why. I enjoy healthy debate. That can be fun. If, on the other hand, your idea of a critique is to attack/insult me about my gender or sexual orientation, then we aren’t going to get along. Let’s put it this way: It is permissible to question the size of my IQ, but not the size of my boobs. Bottom line: I don’t get paid to write this crap, so play nice, kids.)

 

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