Twin sisters Dr. Patti van Puck and Dr. Patti van Pigskin are internationally renowned sports psychologists who specialize in what makes athletes/coaches/managers/owners/sports scribes/broadcasters tick.
Jocks the world over flock to their clinic, the River City Shrink Wrap, and Drs. Patti and Patti have a waiting list longer than a politician’s nose at election time. They don’t always have the right answer, but if loving the Winnipeg Jets, Blue Bombers and Goldeyes is wrong, they don’t want to be right.
Today’s group session includes Mike O’Shea, head coach of the Blue Bombers, Glenn January, offensive lineman with the Bombers, Evander Kane, left winger with the Jets, Kevin Cheveldayoff, general manager of the Jets, and Gary (La La) Lawless, sports columnist with the Winnipeg Free Press. Gentlemen, start your therapy…
DR. PUCK: “Welcome everyone. Who would like to start?”
COACH O’SHEA: “I’ll start, Doc Puck. I’m puzzled. I’m as baffled as a teenage kid trying to unhook his girlfriend’s bra for the first time. Here I am, a rookie head coach who’s taken over a team that really sucked lemons last year. I mean, they were bad and…”
DR. PIGSKIN: “Sorry to interrupt, Coach O’Shea, but exactly how bad were they?”
COACH O’SHEA: “Plugged-toilet-first-thing-in-the-morning bad. They won just three games. Out of 18! Now this year, my team has already won four games. FOUR! Out of five! But do you think we get any respect? Not so much as a sliver of respect. The fans still won’t fill the building and this bonehead sitting beside me—Lawless—writes that I need to learn how to lose. That was more than a month ago. Now he says the team’s a mirage. A mirage!”
JANUARY: “Not only that. He also wrote that the O-line sucks lemons and that I should be traded. That’s right! He says I’m the only guy on the O-line who doesn’t suck lemons, but then he says the GM oughta peddle my O-line-sized ass outta town. What’s up with that, Doc? Where’s the respect?”
DR. PIGSKIN: “Is all this true, Mr. Lawless?”
GARY LA LA: “Ya, I wrote that the Bombers are a mirage. But then they go and beat the Lions in B.C. to make me look like a complete jackass (as if I need help with that). So the next day I tweeted they might be real. Then two days later I wrote they’re gonna be champions. If they lose in Hamilton, they’ll be a mirage again. It all depends on what day it is, I guess. I just wet my finger, hold it up and see what way the wind’s blowing. Then I spend the next 15 minutes writing my column before lumbering off to my radio gig.”
DR. PIGSKIN: “And is it true that you wrote they should trade Glenn January?”
GARY LA LA: “Guilty as charged. I know he’s the best they’ve got. Without him, the O-line would really suck lemons. So maybe they shouldn’t trade him. Oh, I can’t make up my mind. I flip-flop more than a catfish someone caught at Lockport then tossed on the shore. I need help, Doc. That’s why I’m here.”
DR. PUCK: “My but there’s a lot of lemon sucking going on today? Do you have the same difficulty when you write about the Jets?”
GARY LA LA: “No way. Ask Chevy. He’ll tell you that I never lose my bearings when writing about the Jets. When they came to town in 2011, Chevy and Chipper bought me lunch. That really made me feel like I was part of the team. I wrote a column about it. Trust me, Doc, that lunch told me which side my bread is buttered on. I’ve known it right from the get-go. Right Chevy?”
CHEVELDAYOFF: “Damn straight, La La. My boots have never been so well shined. I can always count on Gary to pump my tires, Doc, whether I do something or not.”
KANE: “What do you mean if you do something? You haven’t done anything for 3 1/2 years. All you do is play with the waiver wire and draft kids who are five-foot-six and weigh 165 pounds. You never make trades to improve the team. Why do you think that blogger chick calls you Kevin the Possum? There’s no winning with you. Why do you think I want out of this two-bit town where everybody hates me?”
CHEVELDAYOFF: “I don’t make trades because I’m afraid to make trades. If I trade you, Evander, you’ll score 40 goals a season for the next 10 years and the guys I get in return won’t score 40 goals total in those 10 years. That’s what I’m afraid of.”
KANE: “So, as long as I’m in Winnipeg, we’re never going to make the playoffs, is that’s what I’m hearing you say?”
CHEVELDAYOFF: “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that as long as I’m in Winnipeg we’re never going to make the playoffs. That’s why I came here today to see the two docs. I’m hoping that they can give me the courage to make a trade for actual players, not draft choices.”
KANE: “Who the hell do you think Dr. Puck is? She ain’t the Wizard of Oz, man! Get a grip!”
GARY LA LA: “Hey, don’t talk to Chevy that way!”
KANE: “You talking to me, Lardo?”
GARY LA LA: “That’s right. I’m talking to you, punk. You should have the initials KCGGM shaved into your hair as a show of respect for your boss, the greatest GM in National Hockey League history. Everybody in this room sucks lemons except Chevy. And the two Docs, of course.”
DR. PUCK: “Gentlemen, please. Let’s keep this civil. Now, our session time is almost up, so let’s summarize. You’ve all come here for a reason—respect. That’s what you all seek. So, my twin sister and I are prepared to offer you some advice. Just remember, if loving you is wrong, we don’t want to be right.”
DR. PIGSKIN: “Coach O’Shea, you seek respect for your team. Mr. January, you seek respect for the O-line and as an individual. Well, it’s obvious what you must do in order to get the respect you desire and deserve: Do exactly what Chevy and Mark Chipman did with Gary La La—buy him lunch. There’s a McDonald’s close by. Take him there when you leave and you’ll never have to shine your shoes again.”
DR. PUCK: “As for you, Chevy, the great baseball manager Tubby Tommy Lasorda once said: There are three kinds of people—those who make things happen, those who let things happen, and those who wonder what happened. Well, young Mr. Kane is absolutely correct—I am not the Wizard of Oz. I can’t give you courage. Remember this: Oz didn’t give nothing to the cowardly lion that he didn’t already have. So make things happen. And, Evander, you wish to move to a city where the fans will admire and respect you and to a team that can win. I can’t say that I blame you.”
DR. PIGSKIN: “And, finally, we come to you, Gary La La. You seek respect as a writer. The trouble is, many readers can’t see past your Jets pom-poms. We know you don’t want to be seen as a True North Toady. So, again, it’s obvious what you must do—buy your own damn lunch.”
Patti Dawn Swansson has been writing about Winnipeg sports for more than 40 years, longer than any living being. Do not, however, assume that to mean she harbors a wealth of sports knowledge or that she’s a jock journalist of award-winning loft. It simply means she is old, comfortable at a keyboard (although arthritic fingers sometimes make typing a bit of a chore) and she doesn’t know when to quit.
She is most proud of her Q Award, presented to her in 2012 for her scribblings about the LGBT community in Victoria, B.C.